Forgiveness is Not the Same as Reconciliation
Forgiveness is Not the Same as Reconciliation
Have you ever heard the expression, ‘To err is human; to forgive, divine?’ Surprisingly this well-known phrase does not come from the Bible but a poem by the English poet Alexander Pope.
Today, Fr. Mike shares some great insights into the process of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration and how God offers all three stages to us in the Sacrament of Confession.
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I so struggle with this. I was in business and was regulated by an elected government official. That official had to work with one of my employees regarding processes and record keeping and obeying state laws. This official made pass at my worker and when she rejected him, he got angry and he targeted my business trying to close it down. I got a really good lawyer who stemmed the tide for a while. And then the person actually hired someone to come into my company for several years and then act like they were an "insider" who could say that I was doing a bunch of illegal things. Then he got a prosecutor to be able to the take the case against me when no other prosecutor would. And that prosecutor was unethical. Between the government official, the fake insider witness, my business was ruined. The press got a hold of the story and they discovered the fact that this government official made a "pass" at my employee and he blamed it on her and claimed I was trying to get dirt on him. It was so embarrassing my employee committed suicide. This government official and this alleged insider person and the unethical prosecutor spent millions of dollars targeting me. It destroyed my life, my business my family and my friend is left dead. The only thing I can do is say that I am not going to go get revenge on these people. They targeted my life for many years and then ruined it. I want to forgive, I want to have peace but in this case I just don’t know how. I hope that it is good enough that I have just decided not to seek revenge and that I am just letting it go. But no hour of the day goes by where the negative effects of this event is not with me.
I guess people who were targeted and abused have it worse than me. But this is just terrible. I can use any prayers.
Bless you❤
Wow…I came across this randomly ..it definitely has made an impact on me…thank you Father for that simple yet thought provoking talk on forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration….its indeed very inspiring and empowering..
First century Christian’s forgave Saul even though he helped imprison, torture, and kill Christians. Forgiveness includes forgetting. That’s how God deals with us and it’s how we ought to treat our brothers and sisters in Christ.
I can forgive anything nearly I think but I can’t sit there taking more of the same treatment.
I always need forgiveness. I want to be more positive, not negative.
I have said I am sorry, but the other party refuses to budge. I have decided to let them go, too.
When its your spouse you can’t keep track and hold it against them that’s not love
Thank u
What if you forgive a person and they still hurt you again and again.
When people argue they say things they dont mean out of anger then they cant take it back
Amen Father
100
I found this video after searching why pastors don’t understand no contact and insist on reconciliation. I’ve been no contact with parents and other family members 3 years. That was a necessary act due to failing health because of toxic family scapegoating abuse.
Going on almost 4 years, I felt nudged by God to email my parents and tell them I love them, thanked them for all they’ve done for me, told them I have no ill will to them and last said I know it must be hard to accept I’ve left the family.
I have no intentions of returning to the family.
Please be careful who you tell your story to. Do what you need to do without guilt.
Shalom.
Happened to me at church recently, i told a leader i just wanted to reconcile with this person, they made excuses for this person instead. When i tried going back i went from being at peace to being greived and depressed…
Thank you, Father Mike!
Almost forgot you’re still out here making these weird videos
There’s a Christian podcast in Youtube that actually discusses this a lot, AND how to deal with narcissists. Kris Reece ministries. Not sure how ‘spot on’ everything she teaches is but it seems to be very biblical
I wish Churches would discuss these more.
Its true i agree. Amen. The Confessional is imperitive to reconcile to God and Church. Every sin has weight and measure.
Im in Assisted Living for mental illness and diabetes. Im headed for dialisys. Im on food restriction. My meals are scanty. I have no transportation to the nearest catholic church. Ive been dispensed by a former catholic pastor from the Sunday Obligation. I wrote to my Archbishop asking what i should do. His Office answered saying i must not go to church if im sick. So i absolve myself in Christs Name. From assisted living i go into hospice and die. Before that point all my funeral arrangements will be made, and i can request a catholic priest. God willing one will come to me and administer to me the Anointing of the Sick.
Praise God.
The most i can do until those days is strive to fulfill the the conditions for the Feast of Divine Mercy at the proper time and every day if i recall to do so. (Examen…Act of Contrition…Spiritual Communion….Chaplet of Divine Mercy for the Sick and the Dying)
Mày God bless us.
I struggle with a core belief that forgiveness means forgetting and allowing the person back in and acting like nothing happened
thank you❤
What about the people you forive but they think they didn’t do anything hurtful?
There are some apologists at Catholic Answers who are promoting the theory of conditional forgiveness. They claim that I don’t have to forgive somebody who offends me until that person repents. The Catechism teaches otherwise.
Thanks!
When it comes to pain/ trauma you can be a mirror and reflect the same thing. Or a sponge that absorbs it and become bigger because of it
Thanks!
Okey so I have a question, as to, do you guys think I have forgiven this person?
Basically there’s this person who short of to keep it brief as to not gossip picks on me. Now ik that I’ll answer them politely when they speak to me no matter how mean they are, to think about the Good side of them instead of the bad one ect but if I think about the bad stuff they did I do feel frustrated, and don’t act on that frustration (say bad words or whatever) and I try not to think about the bad stuff at all. BUT if I did think about the bad stuff it would frustratet and sadden me. Have I not forgiven them because of this.
what a thoughtful video! you’ve really highlighted some important distinctions. personally, i think many people often confuse forgiveness with reconciliation and this can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. in my opinion, sometimes it’s healthier to forgive someone and keep your distance rather than trying to restore a relationship that might not be good for you. would love to hear what others think!
I was hurt with reconciliation in 3 steps. 1. I was hurt. 2 cause cost against a master who owns a person. 3 the slave master forgives the slave?
I am called unforgiving because I’m doing a lot of deep internal work and it was shown to me all the abuse suffered at the hands of emotionally abusive and neglectful parents. They refuse and gaslit my reality as a child. The fact I had to take care of myself since I was 7 years old due to my sibling getting hit by a car that she rode her bike out in front of. Since that day… I’ve been rejected and she’s been accepted. Therefore the golden child status was established. I found solace in being alone, with friends, and never in that house. I’ve tried to self delete at the age of 14 because of their excessive lack of care and again later in life. My parents always excluded me from sacred events such as the renewal of their wedding vowels. Yet, I’m to be understanding and accepting and tolerant of this garbage. They’re now in their 70s and still do this stuff so the last time I was gaslit I kindly removed myself. The full tipping point was when I needed someone to talk to about a problem with my daughter, I reached out to both parents and was ignored. FOR A WEEK.. until it was time to take the sperm donor for his colonoscopy. This is the treatment I get. I’m good enough when they need something. Maybe the golden child should move back and take care of them now because I’m done. ✅ I’m called unforgiving because I’m no longer their door mat and don’t want reconciliation until they can self actualize and repent. I’ve done it. A bazillion and 1 times. Which is more than Jesus said I had to. Now God can deal with them whichever way he sees fit. 50 years of hurt doesn’t just go away and every time they do something else that proves that im not worthy or good enough for anything in their eyes unless it benefits them. The difference with peter .. HE REPENTED AND ACKNOWLEDGED HIS Sin
Can you pray that relationships get better
I have always really struggled with letting go of resentments and forgiving people. It’s something I’ve been working on for a long time and it’s improving. I worked on it with a therapist in treatment and with a sponsor doing the 12 steps. My sponsor had me write down all my resentments and how they have affected me so I could see the damage. Then I had to write down my part in the resentments. Obviously there are cases where you don’t play a part like in cases of being rated or abused but we all play a part in our conflicts with others. Then you see what you need to change, make amends, and maybe reconciliation with each other if appropriate. She told me you have to understand resentments only harm you not the other person. Another thing I try to remember is that people do get their karma and consequences so there’s no need to get revenge because there will be justice. Now if they decide to change good for them. I also try to understand human behavior and why people act the way they do. Now remember it’s not justifying their behavior or defending them. But this way you can give more compassion and wish them well.
For me, the hardest part of forgiveness is knowing what to do with my anger against the other person. Specifically, how to let go of anger. I don’t know how to do that, especially when the other person fails to apologize.
Note how if someone desires to be reconciled they are instructed to go to confession before Jesus. We need not a mediator between us and Jesus. Jesus is our mediator between man and the Father so do not rely on man to restore your relationship with Jesus but Christ alone. Yes, I understand confession may be a place for guidance on HOW to go about being reconciled but it is wrong to instruct someone that they MUST first go to confession to be reconciled.
I have recently gone through an episode where my fiancé asked for forgiveness for wrong doing to me. I was never comfortable with the act of forgiveness by a human. So I searched the internet for possible examples and not finding anything that really suited my situation or supported what I thought is the best alternative. The video of Fr. Mike on what to do if someone does not accept the forgiveness request helped me tremendously. My response to my fiancé was: "I have no authority to offer you forgiveness. I am only human. I did not write and give you a rule book so that I can measure you against it to determine if you have sinned or not. What you have done was by your free will. The pain you caused will always be there in memory. If I were able to forgive you, I would absolve you from your wrong doing while I still personally have to manage the consequences of your behaviour. The best I can say is: If you are truly sorry for what you did, I want you to take responsibility for your actions and manage the consequences the same way I have to manage the consequences on the way forward. We can try and put the hurt behind us in due process. And if there is still hope for us to mend, to rebuild trust and respect, I am willing to do my part. " We are starting week three tomorrow.
I asked my guardian angel to help me with this topic as I have very toxic relationships in my family and work daily on forgive and forget. I was led to this video and have finally found peace. Thank you this has truly changed my life.
Aren’t there any priests who aren’t cute and have perfect teeth? Yeah but they don’t garner 1,000,000 subscribers, do they?
I believe we should forgive unrepentant sinners secretly.
"Not to repeat myself" aka IM ABOUT TO REPEAT MYSELF!!!
I really struggle with this. From the childhood bully who tormented me for years to the corporate bully who stabbed me in the back decades later, how do you make peace with that? Neither is in my life and I make every effort to never see either one again. I still carry that weight of the hurt, and I don’t know how to put it down. I hope to find peace with this.
Never received an apology.
No contrition.
No accountability.
Got told “Jesus forgives and forgets why can’t you”
Because you never recognized what you did, never apologized. Behavior is the same and there has been no change.
Therefore you are not contrite.
I accept there is no change and I won’t get an apology.
Therefore my decision- I won’t let you continue to hurt me or my family.
great video! i really appreciate the insights you’ve shared. however, i can’t help but wonder if true forgiveness can ever really exist without some form of reconciliation. what do you all think?
How do you do this when you are married? When we are not allowed to divorce.